I lost my confidence, have you seen it?
Do you know the feeling when your leaving for something important or a long trip. When even all the time in the world is not enough to get ready. You keep thinking that you must remember to bring everything, you leave and get the feeling you forgot something. Did I lock the door? Did I turn of this and that? Did I remember to pack this and that? Your often sure you forgot something, and more times than not you didn’t, but when it happens its often not of the biggest importance. I did this today, I felt that something was missing. I left home, but it wasn’t the wallet or keys I forgot. Somehow I misplaced my confidence, and I needed it as if it was the blood in my veins. More important is that I find it tonight. Maybe I should make a poster saying “confidence didn’t show up today, I’m very concerned. If you see it please send it home.” I could put it up beside the “lost kitten” poster and just under the “stolen bike” poster in the local shop. But of course , that would just help others get a laugh (maybe I should do this some time when its not really true). I’m sure you understand from my recent post this is concerning aikido and the grading. Today we had sort of a rehearsal, it was as if I was scraping my teeth against a rock. Enough said..
My right knee is all fine now, my left.. well lets just say its not really fine yet. I hope tomorrow turns out better. My sensei found my blog, but I hope he’s to busy tonight to check it. Its good to complain online, but when the people that reads it knows you in person and is part of what your complaining about it tends to give them the wrong idea. But still I’m truly happy he reads my blog, and if he end up reading it its okay. Its not like I’m trying to be anonymous. I say what I feel and stand by it 
But if he reads this after the seminar, haha, that would be better.
Well, I’m done complaining, I have to hit the sack and try getting some sleep. I could probably keep on with this trough the night telling everybody how deeply it frustrates me when fun is interrupted with requirements and levels. I could say that I love aikido, I could do it my entire life, but the whole idea of grading and such really puts me off. Well, you don’t have to be a psychiatrist to figure out I have a fear for failing stuff. ha! Take care all!
Oh god! Fear of failure! I can relate, honestly.
And the whole confidence thing. One time, I walked into my law firm looking all bummed, and my mentor just randomly goes “Sometimes you have to pretend to have confidence, because you get so used to it that it just comes naturally.” And it worked.
I guess you just gotta keep reminding yourself of all the positives.
^_^ Be excited about the trip. You get to see ASIANS! hahaha
Many many congratulations about your graduation!
It was a well deserved 6.kyu, a first step in Aikido world!
Do not worry, there will be many more rocks waiting for your teeth!!
One suggestion: do not take my expressions and reactions too seriously! I am a passionate Italian dude: so do not be too frustrated if you think I am or seem very disappointed!!!
It is usually a momentary reaction!
And about the confidence, I started gaining Aikido confidence, just a tiny little bit, about my shodan grading!!
Besides, my most valuable graduation is the one I failed!
One day I will write about that.. with my previous inspiring sensei: Kanetsuka Minoru – coming to Oslo toward the end of February..
Anyway, enjoy your grading, as said, not bad!
And check during the day or tomorrow our dojo blog
(have to finish writing the post!)
I hope the grading went ok. I’m sure you did brilliantly!
Firerocket’s mentor is right in that sometimes you have to fake the confidence you are lacking. I always go with that myself – “Fake it til you make it”. In other words if you act confident, sooner or later you will actually become confident again.
xx